to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
