I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
