I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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