Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize