the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
