i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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