if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Randomize
