Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
