im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
