went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
