You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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