Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
