sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
