At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
