You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
