This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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