I could make wine with my vomit
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
