Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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