Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
