I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
