i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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