i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
