I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
