OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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