Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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