You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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