You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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