He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
