I need to stop coming to work sober
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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