I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
There are leaves in my underwear?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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