I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
