I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
