Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
