was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
