I got her a Nickelback box set.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
