i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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