just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
soo... how was my night?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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