Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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