hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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