The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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