Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
