I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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