thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
