I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I party with great urgency now.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
