My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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