Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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