dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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