You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
