You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
