I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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