you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
