So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
