I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
All the doctor said was why
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
