It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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